Depression is a deep feeling of sadness, pain and loneliness. And all that also contributes to creating confusion and guilt. Although I've never had an episode as deep as that again, there was one that was really strange, in which I didn't exactly lose all interest and pleasure in absolutely any activity, but it affected my reason. I was on a bus, coming back home, and I looked at all the people around me and it became so confusing, "What is this motion I'm seeing? Why do people do all that? It's not making any sense, I think I'm going crazy". That was only 6 years ago. And 2 years ago I stopped to think about how the guilt creeps in when it hits you.
As a believer and thinker, I do not admit the possibility that anything happens in vain. So I'm always working for the Message hidden behind the events. The last Time I had the opportunity to feel down like that, I focused on getting a clear vision of how even "religious" people were fucking selfish and unrighteous, utterly despising the Truth. Yeah, depression can be used as a drug, a medicine to see reality. I felt so lonely that I wrote to the main culprit, and I was like, "What am I doing? Look at that, God is showing me she has no repentance whatsoever". And then I realized I had to be cautious and give not in to the emotional weakness, because the "loneliness" was an illusion and I could end up breaking my Link with the Reason, ruining years of progress if I surrendered to that wicked "society" only to anesthetize the pain and feel "alright".
Yes, I am guilty, responsible for All this. If Nobody talks to me, it's because I've chosen the odd Conversation. So I can't complain now. That's right, fuck you, cowards. You talk behind my back because you're terribly afraid of what you're going to read or hear if you say it to the real Party boy's face. So you choose to write publicly to every other fool, every other idolater without individuality that is sure to applaud your easy and predictable words. Of Course I'm going to destroy them here if I know about your pathetic intention to please your "self". If I don't, She knows, so there's always the possibility that you might be witnessing Her doing the Job without my awareness of what I'm doing.
You think your disconnected reason is enough.
Are you sure you're not being predictable and missing Something?
